Pete Ford’s first contact with Birmingham Hospice came when he started attending our Living Well Centre, where he received support in living with his dementia.
When hospice care was first mentioned, Pete and his wife of 54 years Jill were unsure what to expect, but he ended up attending the weekly sessions for 18 months. As well as providing support and company for Pete, Jill also benefited from our counselling and support groups.
Pete was later diagnosed with prostate cancer, and as his needs became greater, he was cared for by our Hospice at Home team for the last few weeks of his life.
Jill said: “Pete worked as a consultant electrical design engineer, but his biggest passion was vintage transport. He volunteered at the Severn Valley railway and owned a number of classic cars over the years. We had a 1959 Rolls-Royce for his funeral and his ashes were scattered at the railway – I know he would have loved that. He was a quiet, unassuming man and a good father and grandfather to our two sons and two grandchildren.
“Because he had dementia for quite a long time, the District Nurses asked if he would be interested in coming here. Our first reaction was no thank you, as neither of us knew what the hospice was about, and in all honesty my opinion was that it was this gloomy place where people went to die.
“I had no idea that behind these four walls there were these amazing people and wonderful atmosphere. It took me a while to get him to agree, but the minute I walked in, I couldn’t believe it; it was like having a huge hug.”
At the centre, Pete benefited from the social interaction and the expert care of our healthcare staff who used their experience to help everyone to feel part of the group, and ensure their needs were being met.
Jill added: “Everyone was so upbeat and positive, even though everyone in the group was in that situation where they had a life-limiting illness. Pete was the only person there with dementia at the time, but I didn’t ever feel that he was isolated, and everyone made a real effort to get him involved.
“He took a real liking to Kate, one of the healthcare assistants, and he would do anything she asked him to do. She’d sit with him and read books about trains and cars, and they’d do jigsaws together. She also got him to eat which I’d been struggling with, but she’d always say something like ‘I’ve made this specially for you’ and he’d eat it.”
Pete attended the Living Well Centre for 18 months, and also received occasional visits from the Hospice at Home team, to give Jill a break from her caring responsibilities. As his condition deteriorated, he then came under the care of the Hospice at Home team more formally, with daily and then twice-daily visits for the last two months of his life until he died at home.
Jill explained: “They kept an eye on him all the time at the Living Well Centre and could see things I couldn’t. One day they spoke to me and said they didn’t think he should come any more as he was getting too poorly, and they recommended me to the Hospice at Home team.
“Again, I couldn’t fault them. They arranged a hospital bed, alarm, everything you could think of. The nurses came out and he wasn’t happy at all to start with but it didn’t faze them at all because they must be used to that, and they persevered. The kindness they showed was immense – I remember one day he said he wanted blancmange and I couldn’t find it anywhere. Two of them went to the shops on the way to our house and got it for me – which is over and above what anybody needs to do.
“It benefited him a lot – he wasn’t very vocal by then but you could see he still had this affinity that said he was glad they were there – he would smile, and they’d have a bit of banter with him. One day, when I came back, they had a video of one of the nurses singing with him, which was something I hadn’t seen for such a long time.
“I got the hugs when I needed them, I was able to break down and cry when I needed to, and they were always there reassuring me this was normal and not to worry.”
Jill also benefited from the hospice’s support, receiving counselling and joining our group for carers, and then after Pete died, she joined the Good Grief group which meets at our Selly Park site, for people who are going through bereavement to meet and offer mutual support.
Jill said: “When I first came to the Living Well Centre, I felt I’d lost all sense of who I was. I wasn’t Pete’s wife any more, I was his carer; I was also a parent, I was a grandparent but I felt I’d lost my own identity and I wasn’t coping with that at all. I had some counselling and got the tools to make me realise I was as important as I was before.
“There was also a carers’ meeting I used to go to – again, that was useful because it doesn’t matter what you say as everybody’s in the same position. You can be angry, you can be upset and people understand. Outside, even your friends and family don’t always understand that you can’t always be strong.
“When the bereavement group was first suggested to me I didn’t want to do it, and I don’t think I really said anything the first week. I came home and thought I’d not given it a fair chance, I decided to come back and that has been amazing as well.
Reflecting on her experience at the hospice, Jill added: “I think people out there need to know what a wonderful place it is. They took me under their wing and were just incredible – I wouldn’t have had half the support I had if it wasn’t for going to the Living Well Centre with Pete. I’ve not met one person who wasn’t lovely. Everybody has got that incredible way about them which helps people to feel at ease.”
To support our Love Your Local Hospice campaign, and help more people like Pete and Jill, please visit the link below.
